Little Me & HIV
Little Me & HIV is a Poz Vibe Tribe campaign exploring the lived experiences of people living with HIV through the lens of writing a letter to your younger self.
Phellipe Lutterbeck
5/18/20267 min read
It’s me.
You - but from a different time.
I missed you.
I wanted to check in and tell you a story.
Your story.
I know how you feel now. And I know how you will feel as life goes on.
But before anything else, I need you to remember something: you are a bright and special kid.
Even in the moments when you feel alone, I need you to know that loneliness will teach you things. It will make you independent. It will make you observant. It will make you understand people in ways you don’t even realise yet.
Also one day, you won’t be an only child anymore. When you’re 17, your siblings will start to arrive. Even though you won’t live with them, you will love them so much.
School will be a fun time.
You’ll meet so many kind and interesting kids. Some of them will become your friends not only because you are kind too, but because, somehow, even from a young age, you allow people to be themselves around you.
You trust people.
You truly like them.
And some of them, you will love.
Not everyone will be kind to you though.
Some kids will bully you. Some people will make you feel different in ways you won’t fully understand yet, but your friends will be there.
And you will keep smiling.
You are such a smiley kid.
Happy
Curious
Full of life
And for a long time, that will be one of the strongest parts of who you are.
Early in life, you will realise that you are not the same as your boy cousins. At first, you won’t know what to do with that feeling.
Over time, you will understand that it’s okay.
But before that, you will try to fight it. You will try to hide it. Mostly because some of your uncles and other people will make comments, laugh, or make you feel like something about you needs to be corrected.
It doesn’t.
You don’t need to be corrected.
You just need time.
And even though you will hide parts of yourself for a while, you will still find ways to stay true to who you are.
In your early teens, you will find people like you.
A little community.
Your people.
There will always be some drama happening, of course, but mostly the fun kind. The kind that makes you feel alive, seen, and part of something.
Stick with them.
They will be your hope, your strength. One of the first places where you learn that you are not alone.
When you’re 15, you will fall in love for the first time.
He’s from school.
His dad works with mum.
In fact, his dad likes you. Everyone does. You’re a kind and respectful kid.
This love will stay with you for a while.
But it won’t be easy.
It’s your first one, and because of that, everything will feel bigger. There will be times when your chest feels like it’s burning. Times when you think there will never be anyone else.
You two will spend time together.
You will make time for each other.
You will feel things you don’t yet have the words for.
And then, one day, after a few months, he will tell his dad about you both and after that, he won’t speak to you again.
You will be devastated.
For a while, it will feel like a hole you don’t know how to get out of.
But you will.
Slowly, you will find your way back to yourself.
That experience will also make you panic, because you’ll be afraid his dad might tell mum. And because of that fear, you will decide to rush and tell her that you are gay.
But don’t worry.
She will be okay.
She will love you anyway
She will support you
She will be there for you
Even when, at times, it doesn’t feel like it, that is just her way of being.
You will learn that she is busy. That she isn’t always around in the way you need. But she does love you.
And one day, you will understand that people can love us deeply and still not always know how to show it in the way we hoped for.
You are a dreamer.
And you will go after your dreams.
So believe in them
Hold onto them
Find the strength to follow through.
You are also a lover.
And you will love again and again.
And sometimes, it will hurt.
But you hurt because when you love, you love with everything. You don’t know how to give only half of yourself. You are intense.
And being intense is not a bad thing.
Some people won’t know how to hold that
Some people will take advantage of it
Some people will hurt you
But love keeps leading the way.
It always will.
Just remember to give yourself time to heal whenever you need. You don’t have to rush back into being okay.
You will move around a lot.
First, when you’re 14, you’ll live with one of our aunties. Then you’ll come back home. When you turn 17, you will leave again - this time alone - to go after college.
After a few months, you’ll come back again.
College won’t happen then, but that short period will still matter. You will live experiences that will stay with you. You will meet people who will become important in ways you don’t yet understand.
After coming back home, you will stay for about a year.
And then life will move again - you will leave for good.
The place you’re going to is beautiful.
It’s on the coast.
You will love it so much.
There, life will start happening in a different way.
You will become someone you are proud of.
You will meet people
Make friends
Find a career
Find love again
That love will almost break you, but you will survive it.
And you will learn so much from it.
After five years living there, it will be time to go after your biggest dream: leaving the country.
When you’re 21, you will pack your bags with the little money you have, get on a plane, and not look back.
The first stop will be Spain, but after a few months, life will take you to Ireland.
And Ireland will hold you for a long time.
Ireland will be a rollercoaster, but you will make things work.
Again, you will meet people
Make friends
Find love, more than once.
You will rebuild yourself in ways you never imagined.
And then, in 2021, something bigger will happen.
While you’re at mum’s, you’ll do some blood tests for a regular check-up., and you will find out that you tested positive for HIV.
HIV is a condition that affects the immune system. It is treatable. It is manageable. And today, people living with HIV can live long, healthy lives. But in that moment, you won’t know that emotionally.
You will only feel the shock.
You will feel scared
Lost
Angry
You will question everything.
You won’t be sure who you got it from, and that will make your mind go to places that are painful and confusing.
You will blame yourself.
For months and months, you will carry shame that was never yours to carry.
But little by little, you will find your way out of those feelings.
Soon enough, a light will appear.
You will begin to ask yourself:
What can I learn from this?
What can I do with this?
How can I turn this pain into something that helps me - and maybe helps someone else too?
You will give yourself time.
And when you feel ready, you will share it with the world.
Not everyone will understand.
Some people will judge.
But you will find the courage to be yourself and live fully, no matter what people say or do.
You will decide to speak, not only to set yourself free, but also to help others feel less alone. Because living with HIV can be lonely sometimes.
And you will know what that loneliness feels like.
When you’re back in Ireland, you will meet Veda.
They have a beautiful podcast called Poz Vibe Podcast - a podcast for people living with HIV, by people living with HIV.
And Veda will become your HIV mum and one of your best friends.
One of the most important people in your HIV journey, but also in your life, because one thing doesn’t exist without the other.
Over time, you will start feeling empowered by your whole story.
Not only the easy parts.
All of it.
You will no longer allow people to diminish you for living with HIV, for being gay, for being emotional, for loving deeply, or for anything else that has happened to you.
By then, you will have learned who you are.
And you will have learned that life can put many things in front of you, but you are still allowed to choose how you respond.
Soon enough, you will understand that Poz Vibe Tribe is not only a podcast.
It is a tribe.
A community of people who support one another. People who show you that life goes on. People who remind you that even though we all live with HIV differently, there is something powerful in being understood without needing to explain every word.
The tribe will be a gift to you.
A place where you are given a voice.
A place where you can help others find their tribe too.
And through that, you will find peace.
So, little me, I need you to promise me something.
Don’t give up on your life.
Even when it feels hard to see brighter days ahead, I promise you, they will come.
You will lose yourself more than once.
But you will also find yourself again.
Again and again.
And every time you do, you will understand yourself a little more.
And remember:
Love saves you.
Love keeps you going.
Love is who you are.
- With love, yourself (Phellipe)
Little Me & HIV
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