What We Leave Behind
There's a moment before every choice where we stand still. Not because we don't know what we want - but because choosing means letting something else go. This is about that moment. Fear, hope, and the quiet uncertainty between what happens every time we decide.
Phellipe Lutterbeck
7/16/20263 min read
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
I read this quote by Nelson Mandela - and it made me reflect on many layers of my life.
Unfortunately, we can't have it all.
Choices, and the act of choosing, have always
been a topic in my therapy sessions.
My therapist and I have always been making connections about how choosing sometimes can paralyse me.
We strongly believe that every fear or trauma we've developed over the years comes from our
lived experiences - even the ones we can't fully remember.
And sometimes it's hard to identify and connect those situations.
Most of the time they're not really clear - they probably came from a time in my life where challenges had erupted.
Discussing "choices" in therapy helped me understand something: even when we opt not to choose something, and set things aside, we are still making a choice.
In other words, we can't escape it.
Choosing will always be present
Whether consciously or unconsciously.
I also came to learn that if a decision involves more people, vertically, that's where the struggle comes in stronger.
Even though I know that life cannot be carried only by ourselves - in my head, when I'm the main character of that specific choice, it becomes easier to pick one thing over the other.
Would that be a sign of selfishness? Probably.
Sometimes I wonder.
What I also wonder is: what does selfishness really mean when it comes to decisions that affect your life directly?
This word - selfishness - has gotten a bad connotation over the years - especially lately.
A word, sometimes, used without us analysing the situation as a whole.
It's much easier for all of us to assume that someone is selfish instead of trying to understand, first, the reasons why someone acts the way they do.
More often than not, there's always a reason for our human behaviour.
Our life experiences play a big part in everything we do and think.
It's tempting to fool ourselves into thinking that it doesn't happen.
When I was reflecting on this quote, I also connected it to my own HIV diagnosis.
Realising that I had to accept the facts without dwelling on how they came to be.
I remember the first time I was about to take my HIV meds. I was terrified because of everything I had read online. But my hope of getting better was stronger than my fear of what side effects I could have.
I knew it was the only way forward.
I often wonder if there are many people in this world who have no fear about making choices in life.
And my answer to myself is always the same - probably not.
Whenever a choice is made, we instantly leave something else behind.
At the end, the fear of choosing has nothing to do with choosing itself.
But likely, with what we're losing when we make a choice.
Choosing also involves uncertainty and loss.
To go right, you need to choose not to go left - and be okay with not knowing where either direction leads.
When I ask myself what side of the wall I'm choosing to walk by, deep inside, what I'm trying to understand is what I'm leaving behind.
When we stop and think - we know what makes more sense to us.
And maybe the hardest part is that sometimes, heart and mind don't go in the same direction.
We often get confused about which one is better to follow.
But we always know which one would make us regret less, in case things don't turn out the way we expected.
Sometimes we take for granted the fact that we can make choices based on our hope - and instead, we allow fear to lead the way.
We allow fear to tell us why not to choose something.
But living in fear is tiring, and a place impossible to find peace in.
Maybe - just maybe - it'd be worth remembering that choosing based on hope can change our perception and acceptance of life.
And just then, being at peace with our choices will make sense.
Even the ones that don't turn out the way we expected.
So, always remember:
Be brave.
Be kind.
Be who you want to be.
- With love, Phellipe
What We
Leave Behind